Will Always Remain
by Aunt Kathy
Summary: With the barriers that lie between them beginning to crumble, Kathryn and Chakotay finally confront them. A sequel to 'At the End of the Day' and 'What Lies Between'. Set in Voyager's Season 4, post 'Hunters'.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: If I owned ANY of Star Trek, Voyager or otherwise, there wouldn't have been a chance in hell that the deleted J/C scene from 'Hunters' (ST:VOY- 04/15) would have been omitted from the final cut. NO WAY. But I don't own any of this, so I must make do with being to fix the episode in question through this fic. However, I do wish I could be the one to lay a claim to the idea of placing Chakotay's quarters right next door to Janeway's... *sigh*...or that dratted bulkhead, just to get rid of the damn thing!

WARNING: THIS FIC MAY CONTAIN POETRY AT SOME POINT. If you begin to exhibit any signs that this may be affecting you health (such as the appearance of hives, a sensation of overpowering nausea, anaphylaxis, a bright teal or purple rash on your right eyelid and left buttock... etc.) or have ever done so in the past in reaction to poetry of a similar nature, the author recommends that you stop reading IMMEDIATELY and move onto another story that may be better suited for your tastes. The author will accept no responsibility for any of this, as she has warned you very clearly and will probably be watching 'Endgame' and hurling obscenities at the idiot who thought that C/7 was a good idea... *grumble*...

A/N: This follows straight on from 'At the End of the Day' and 'What Lies Between', so I recommend that you read those two first, although neither of them is very long... but I promise that not all is what it seems...

Feel free to leave feedback, even if it is constructive criticism. If there is something in this fic you do not agree with, feel free to let me know, although I will tell you now that flames of any kind will be ignored.

Thank yous: Firstly, to Mrs. Singing Violin, who always makes sure that I know where my plot holes are and gives me the correct tools to plug them. Secondly, to Jordan Trevor, for the bout of inspiration that caused me to continue this fic, and the Hurt/Comfort it contained within (but all blame for the angst goes to me). And thirdly to all you beautiful people who have left the numerous reviews for both 'At the End of the Day' and 'What Lies Between', because I wasn't callous enough to leave Janeway and Chakotay as they were.

Enjoy. AK :)

* * *

_This is all my fault... I've pushed him away for so long... and now he's left me..._

* * *

_If the barriers fall now she will suffer even more, she will be faced with an impossible decision- me or the crew. I cannot make her choose..._

* * *

_"Chakotay..."_

_This time her voice is quieter. As if she were on the other side, calling my name._

_But she can't be. It must be my imagination-_

_A sob. Another sob that twists my heart in my chest._

_I swallow. I cannot do this._

_I close my eyes and try to ignore the sound of her crying... but I can't._

_There is no part of me that does not love her._

_There is no part of me that does not want to run to her and comfort her._

_But I cannot be sure that to be comforted by me is what she wants. Kathryn has changed so very much over these past few months, during which I have seen her hardened by the Borg, I have seen her on the brink of death, I have seen her smile fade slightly every day as she struggles to some to terms with everything that has happened to her. To us. But can I still offer her the comfort that she needs? Can I still be that support for her? Or will she simply push me away again?_

_I turn around and walk back to the wall. I tell myself that, if she says my name again I will go to her. If she says my name again I will know that this is real, that she needs me._

_I tell myself that if she stays silent I will turn around and never look back again. Make or break, Kathryn. I need your help with this._

_I reach my hand out to touch the bulkhead. For a second, my hand touches the cold metal and I lean my weight against it. But then I fall forwards._

_I stumble as the support that the wall had been giving me vanished. I look ahead of me. The wall was still there, but my hand is not. My fingers, the tip of my thumb and the upper half of my palm are surrounded by the bulkhead._

_Startled, I pull away. I raise my right hand. It is the same as it has always been, tainted by scars it has had to endure over the and I cannot feel any pain. In spite of this I turn it around and flex it. The only difference I feel is that it perceives the air of my quarters as slightly warmer than my left hand does. The feel of the bulkhead was cold, but not unpleasantly so._

_I tentatively reach out again, letting the cool of the metal glide over my fingers. The only thing I can liken it to is placing my fingers slightly below the surface of cold water. There are a few small ripples that fan out from the point of contact, but then the metal of the bulkhead is still once more. It feels heavier than water, thicker, and, unlike water, there are no remnants of the liquid that remain on my fingers. I reach my hand out further and feel the warm air of Kathryn's quarters on the other side, a band of cold surrounding my right forearm._

_It seems that the barriers erected between us were not as stable as originally thought. I pull my hand out and watch, enraptured as the barrier once again becomes a single continuous and flawless surface when the ripples caused by the absence of my fingers dissipate._

_"Chakotay..." I hear her voice again, and my mind is made up._

_I swallow and take a step forwards, allowing the sensation of cold metal to wash over me for a moment before I am through the bulkhead and find myself once again in the gloom of Kathryn's living quarters. I glance back at the barrier, managing to see as the last of the ripples fade and the wall is smooth again._

_My attention is suddenly torn from the wall as I hear a scream from the bedroom._

_"NO!"_

_"Kathryn!" I run towards the source of the noise, hoping once again that none of this is real, that she is fine, that she wants me, needs me, that her scream was one of surprise and not pain at my absence._

_I reach the bed-_

_But it is empty. She isn't here. I look in the bathroom, again in the lounge, but her quarters are empty. She isn't here. I'm alone._

_"Chakotay..."_

_Her voice. It's a quiet whimper in the darkness, but I now that voice. She is here. I know it._

_"Kathryn?" I look around in desperation, where could she be?_

_"Chakotay..."._

_She isn't in any of the rooms._

_"Computer, state the location of Kathryn Janeway."_

_No answer. Not from the computer._

_"Chakotay..."_

_I go to the exit. The doors don't open. I lay my hand flat against them, expecting to see it disappear within the metal like it did before. But it doesn't. My vision swims slightly through angry tears as I resist the urge to slam my fist against the solid metal of the doors._

_I rush back to the bulkhead, but it is unyielding once more._

_"KATHRYN!"_


	2. Chapter 2

Apologies for the short chapter, but it had to be done...

For disclaimers, Author's Notes and allergy advice, see Chapter 1. AK :)

* * *

_Chakotay... come back...help me... please... please..._

_The pillow muffles the sound of my cries as I call out his name..._

_____I scream wordlessly as my tears run into my hair and onto the pillow..._

* * *

_I reach out and grab hold of the covers next to me, bringing them up to me nose and burying my face in his scent. _

_This is all I will have left of him in the morning. This and a few fading memories. _

_Because he didn't stay._

_He left._

_I can't blame him for that._

_But there isn't a part of me that isn't hurt by this rejection, because there isn't a part of me that does not love him._

_I love him, but I can't. There's too much in the way. Too much at stake. _

_And, besides, he doesn't love me. _

_He can't._

_If he did love me, then he wouldn't have left._

_But he did. _

_So he doesn't._

_The tears stream down my cheeks in anger, and I plough my fist into mattress by my side. It is a lot harder than I had imagined, and I pull my hand away, nestling deeper into the sheets, the only thing I have right now to prove that he was here..._

* * *

_"Kathryn!" My voice is hoarse. I cannot remember why I keep shouting her name... it won't help me break down the walls that are keeping me here, but I scream for her in the hope that she hears me, that she will come for me.._

_But why would she? She laid herself bare to me a few hours ago, and what did I do? I left her alone._

_I abandoned her. _

_I did the one thing that I thought I wasn't capable of..._

_I left._

_How could I leave her? What possessed me to turn my back on her when she needed me the most, when she needed me to be there for her, to be with her, to stay with her-_

_The image of her eyes, wide and scared fill my vision, and she asks that one question... that single word..._

_"Stay?"_

_I cover my face with both hands as the sound of her voice echoes through the empty air..._

_"Chakotay..."_

_"I'm so sorry, Kathryn, I'm so very sorry..."_

* * *

_I feel my cries grow louder... I hit the mattress again, and a dull pain blooms in my fist and travels up my arm. _

_But that pain is easier to focus on than anything else right now._

_It is easier to block everything else out when I feel physical pain..._

_I go to hit the mattress again, but something stops me... holds my wrist tightly._

_Blurred darkness swims in my vision, and I try to yank my hand away, but the grip on it increases and I yelp out in surprise-_

_"CHAKOTAY!"_

_My tired throat protests, already sore from the crying. But I call his name again, begging that he will hear me, that someone will hear me, that I will break free from the firm grip on my left wrist._

_My right wrist is also held. I can't move my arms, they are wrenched away from me and I scream again as I try to pull away, to escape the grip on my wrists and forearms. But I can't. I struggle, I protest, but suddenly my entire body is restrained in a firm hole. I can't struggle, I can't move, I can just about breathe. I scream for him again, blinking the tears away from my eyes, I need to see what is happening..._

* * *

_I sob as I hear her, pleading me, begging me to stay..._

_"Chakotay..._don't_..."_

_But I've gone... I've lost her..._

_"Chakotay...no..."_

_I want to get back to her..._

_"Chakotay, _please_..."_

_This is all my fault... she needed me and now I've left her left..._

_"Chakotay... come back...help me... please... please..."_

_I hear her scream, the agony clear in the sharp note and t__he pain of my betrayal knives its way into my chest, grabbing at my heart and tightening it's clasp around it..._

_"Kathryn... Kathryn... Kathryn... please forgive me..."_

_Suddenly I am winded as something small and hard strikes against my chest. I gulp for air, searching for the source of the blow, but find nothing. There is nothing else here._

_I feel another blow, stronger than the last, and wheeze as I fall to the ground, shutting my eyes tightly..._

_I open them again to darkness. I look around, but all I see is darkness... darkness and-_


	3. Chapter 3

For disclaimers, Author's Notes and allergy advice, see Chapter 1. AK :)

* * *

"Kathryn." Relief washes over him as he notices the woman in the bed at his side.

_I never left._ He wants to laugh, to pull her into a tight embrace and prove to her that she is the only woman that he could ever love, but something is wrong. She turns towards him, and he sees the tears that have run down her cheeks. Chakotay reaches out to wipe them away, but she moves away from him, moaning lightly as more tears roll down her cheeks and into the pillow.

"Kathryn?" He tries to wake her by shaking her shoulders, but she moves again, escaping his touch and moans into the sheets as though she were in pain-

Suddenly she cries out, screaming his name into the darkness. The fear is evident in his face as he watches her writhe against the covers in her sleep, her movements becoming more frantic, erratic. He reaches out again to still her, to protect her, to wake her and reassure her. He grabs one of her wrists as it goes to strike his sternum for a third time. Pain blooms in his chest from her first two blows and he knows that he will have bruises in the morning, but right now that seems insignificant.

"Kathryn!" This time his tone is more forceful, as is his grip as she tries to wrench her hand away. He grabs her other hand as well, trying not to grip her too hard as she continues to struggle against him. He tries to remain calm as he pulls her to him, wanting to reassure her more than restrain her as her sobs become more audible, tears streaming down her face as she battles with her own fears through the dream.

She screams his name again, finishing the vowel sound with a cutting soprano note that turns his blood to ice and makes his skin prickle in fear. He wraps his arms around her, pulling her into a firm, but gentle, embrace and whispers softly in her ear. He tells her that she is safe, that he is here, and that she doesn't need to be scared any more.

She screeches again, wordlessly as she bucks, trying to move away from him. He grasps her shoulders, shakes her once and calls her name in one last attempt to get her to respond to him.

"KATHRYN!"

Her eyes fly open, but she continues to twist away from him as she calls out his name, unable to recognize him in her half-aware state.

"Kathryn." She stops struggling, and looks up at him, into his kind dark eyes, recognition melting away her pained expression, leaving confusion to cloud her features instead.

"Chakotay?" Her voice is hoarse, strained after her screams, and she looks up at him, almost fearful as she tries to ascertain whether or not this is merely another dream.

_Chakotay. Chakotay stayed. He's here. He didn't leave. He stayed._ Her thoughts repeat as she wraps her arms around his neck and back, pulling him against her, as desperate as he is to be reassured that they are both here, that this moment is real and that the thoughts of loneliness, of isolation, of abandonment that came before were not.

"I'm here, Kathryn. I'm not going anywhere," he says, his voice warm and soothing in her ear and she knows that he means it, that he will stay by her side whenever she asks him to, that he will always be there.

_He will always be there, whether I want him to be or not._ The realization stings in her eyes and clogs her oesophagus as her next thought forms. _And so will _Voyager_, the crew and protocol._

"Chakotay," she whispers, her mouth remaining open for a moment before she closes it again, unsure of how to best proceed. What if I say the wrong thing?

"Yes?" She feels him rest his cheek atop her head and swallows. _I can't tell him, not like this. I don't have the guts for it._

"It's nothing. I'm sorry." Sorry for being a coward, sorry for doing this to you and most of all sorry that I'm about to do it again. You deserve so much better, Chakotay, whatever made the Fates think that I deserved the loyalty of a man as good as you?

"Don't be." He places a gentle kiss on her crown, and tears well up in her eyes again. How is that even possible by this point? She had been crying all night.

There is a moment of silence between the two, and he senses that there is something wrong. Is it just the remnants of the dream she had? Or is it something else?

"Can I get you anything?"

There is another silent moment as she considers. _Yes, you can get me another first officer, one that I don't love this much, one that I can remain impartial towards, one that I don't feel like a glass statue around. One that I don't have to hurt every day that he remains loyal to me._

Kathryn swallows again and winces as her raw throat protests. "A glass of water would be nice."

She feels him smile against her hair, and she looks up at him, trying to read his expression. But she can't see beyond the gentle kindness that looks back at her. Kathryn briefly wonders whether he had been awake when she was gripped by her nightmare, whether he heard her whine to him in her sleep, scared of how much she might have said to him without knowing she was doing so.

"I'll be right back," he brushes her long fringe our of her eyes, and takes a moment to regard her face before he stands up and goes into the other room to fetch the drink from the replicator.

_How am I going to tell him? This could never work. There is too much at stake, too much that will always be in the way- too much that lies between the two of us being able to be more than just captain and first officer. _

Another thought weasels its way into her mind and her stomach clenches at it.

_He might not even love me. He might never have loved me. Perhaps that legend was simply his way of expressing his loyalty to me. Loyalty, not love. Never love._

_If that is the case, should I even mention any of this again? Should I pretend, for both our sakes that when we see each other in the morning, on the bridge, in the ready room or anywhere else that nothing happened? That he merely caught me in a moment of weakness and that there is nothing more to say about it?_

* * *

He returns, a cool glass of water in his hand, the outside misted with growing condensation, fear grips her and she can barely manage a weak smile in gratitude as he hands the water to her and takes a tentative sip.

He watches her, and takes her free left hand in his, stroking the knuckles gently as she drinks, the cold liquid running down her throat and soothing it, much like his presence is soothing her mind.

She lowers the glass and reaches behind her to set it down on the small table at the side of her bed.

"Thank you, Chakotay. This means a lot to me." And I wish it could mean a lot more, but that will always be impossible…

"It's okay, Kathryn." She nods in response and feels him pull her against his smooth, uncovered chest once more. "I'm here for you."

Kathryn nuzzles against him even more as she calms, the knowledge of what she must do when morning comes settling heavily over her like a storm on the horizon. But, for now, she can stay in his arms, however selfish that might be of her.


	4. Chapter 4

For disclaimers, Author's Notes and allergy advice, see Chapter 1. AK :)

* * *

Kathryn is disoriented when a heavy pressure in her abdomen causes her to stir and wake.

_Damned bladder_, she thinks, cursing her old age yet again. Suddenly she recalls that she didn't fall asleep alone, and she turns to look at the man next to her.

_Chakotay_. She can feel his leg in between hers, his arms around her, his breath on her forehead.

She looks up into his face, his features calm and relaxed, still as he breathes slowly; peaceful in his dreams. She wishes she could wake him by pressing her lips to his, stroking his abdomen, wrapping both her arms around his waist-

_But I can't._

With a painful pang of guilt she realizes that they are breathing in to the same rhythm, her lungs filling as his empty and vice versa. Alight smile plays across his sleeping features and her stomach knots as she remembers the task that lies ahead of her when he wakes up. _I have no choice._

_No, you have a choice, Kathryn, _the acidity of her thought rises like bile in her throat. You just can't face the idea that the two of you could be happy together- that you might let yourself love him.

_But I can't. And he doesn't love me anymore. He's simply here out of loyalty. Out of friendship._

She swallows and her dry throat gripes, leading her thoughts back to the drink that is currently just out of reach, and she remembers the reason that she woke up in the first place.

Slowly, carefully, she disentangles herself from his embrace and the rumpled sheets surrounding them both, the smile vanishing as she leaves him alone in the bed.

_You old hypocrite, Kathryn, she thinks. You're doing the one thing you prayed he wouldn't._ A tear rolls down her cheek as she glances back at him. This has to be the way this ends._ It will be better for both of us if we simply forget that this ever happened._

She closes her eyes as another tear rolls over her pale cheek and turns away from him. _This will be better for both of us._

* * *

She washes her hands in the sink and catches sight of herself in the mirror. An old woman stares back at her, prematurely aged with the stress of the situation she is in.

_All part of the job._ She smiles bitterly, recalling everything else she expected to happen as her chosen occupation began to take its toll on her. Stress, premature aging, fast-dwindling health, lack of a social life-

_She freezes. This was always going to happen. Perhaps not with Justin; we were both in the same situation. But definitely with Mark. He may have been a patient man, but I've got a feeling that even he wouldn't have waited around forever when I was away on a diplomatic mission, transporting between the apartment and Starfleet Headquarters at all hours of the day. He wanted to settle down and have a family. And I had a feeling that I would want to- eventually._

But part of her knows that would never have happened with Mark Johnson. Not with Hobbes. The love they felt was one evolved from friendship and forged in hardship, something that was 'safe'. She didn't want to love anyone as much as she had loved Justin, not so intensely, passionately, never so completely. Mark didn't stir those types of feelings in her. He never had. But he had been what she needed in a relationship at the time, and had helped ease the pain slightly after Justin's death. She had grown to love him, rather than fall in love with him in the same way that she had done with Justin.

_And Chakotay._ She hadn't been prepared for her feelings towards Chakotay. In the beginning, she had told herself that she needed to remain close to him for the sake of the crew, an alliance had to be formed between Starfleet and Maquis, and trust between Chakotay and her was the first step to ensure that. It had been a logical choice to try to forge a friendship with the former captain. At least, that was what she had told herself at the time.

_'A logical choice'? You had fallen for him within weeks, Kathryn and don't try to deny it. _Her growing feelings towards her first officer had hit her like a phaser blast to the chest. At first she tried to blame it on the stress of the situation, to wave it away, to remain in denial. That had worked relatively well when until the two of them had been stranded on a planet, and he had confessed his love for her, or so she had thought at the time. Ever since they had returned to the ship she had been trying, desperately, to find other reasons for the ancient legend he had told her. She had eventually settled on the theory that he was referring to his time spent as her first officer and not as her lover. She had almost managed to keep herself convinced of that. She had almost been successful.

_You may not have been expecting it, but it happened, and now you have to deal with the fallout. Now you have to face up to your mistakes._

She braces both her dripping hands on the rim of the sink, needing some support as she squares up to her reflection. She sees her ice-cold stare, the hard pressed line of her mouth, the faked determination in her face, and feels her shoulders sag again.

_I can't do this. There is no way that I can tell him._ A breath of air quickly leaves her lungs in exasperation and she closes her eyes tightly to quell any further tears.

"Chakotay… I'm so sorry…" her voice is raspy against her throat, the pain of talking rubbing it raw and she tries to swallow again, making the pain worse.

Another tear threatens to overspill and she bites her lower lip to keep it at bay. She needs to stay strong right now.

_You need to be strong enough to tell him this. You need to tell him this because it is the only way that this can end well._

_No. this can never end well. Either way one of us will get hurt, one of us will suffer; one of us will have to pay the price for our love._

_Please let that one of us be me._


	5. Chapter 5

For disclaimers, Author's Notes and allergy advice, see Chapter 1. AK :)

* * *

Chakotay opens his eyes to the sound of running water, turning his head towards the sound. He assumes that she must have gotten up and gone into the bathroom. A faint light shines into Kathryn's bedroom from the en-suite, and Chakotay sits up, listening to the faint sound of running water coming from the other side of the bulkhead. Part of him wants to go to her, especially given the previous events of the evening, but he knows that suffocating her would be the last thing that she wants right now. _She probably just got up to… go to the bathroom_, he surmises, and wills himself to relax as the sound of the faucet is cut.

Chakotay puts one hand behind his head and stares up at the gray of the ceiling, the same shade of gray as the rest of her quarters are at night as the lack of artificial illumination from the lighting strips casts the ship into darkness.

_I'm in Kathryn's quarters. In her bed. Granted, this wasn't how I had imagined we'd spend our first night together, but she needs me right now, and there is no way that I am going to leave again until I'm sure that she's all right. No matter what she does._

He can't believe that she has finally dropped her defenses and let him in, let him be there for her instead of pushing her away. _It's almost too good to be true._

_A part of me wants to make sure that this is real, that she's still here with me and that this won't all change again in the morning when we have to be professionals about this. Hopefully the barriers between us have been weakened by tonight's events and she'll allow me to be here for her as a friend more than just as her first officer._

_As long as some part of our relationship has changed for the better from tonight, I can take it. I don't think I could if she expects this to go back to the way it was before._

* * *

Kathryn sighed. _How am I going to do this?_

Justin she could get over. She could learn to cope with the pain. But the pain of losing Chakotay?

_I don't see any way in which I can survive something like that. Which is why I have to put a stop to this now, before it gets too out of hand. I have to end it before either of us get hurt. Before I get hurt… He doesn't feel the same way about me… he could never feel the same way about me…_

Kathryn shook her head- she needed to stay strong on this. There is no easy way of making him leave her. _Not now. Even if he doesn't have feelings for me, he'll still want answers..._

_He'll want to know why… why I'm pushing him away again, why I'm denying myself this._

_Why I don't want him to help me._

_But I do. God, I do. I need him. But I can't let this happen. I'm still his commanding officer. The amount of unwritten protocol I'm violating right now doesn't even bear thinking about… I need to let him understand this._

She switches the water off and reaches for the hand towel to the side of the sink.

_There's no easy way to do, this, Kathryn…_

She silently thanks whoever is listening that he's still asleep. It means that she can do this after a full night's sleep. She'll tell him tomorrow.

_Yes, I'll tell him tomorrow. I'm sure I'm just overthinking this anyway…. He might not even think this is such a big deal…_

She sighs. _Aww… hell! Who do you think you're kidding, Kathryn?! He's spent the night with you. It might not have been what you'd thought your first night with him in your bed would be like, but you can't go thinking that nothing has happened here tonight. You've let him in more than anyone. Nobody else you've ever known has held you while you cried yourself to sleep- Mom hasn't done that since you were a little girl!_

She swallows and glances in the mirror.

_I still have what's left of tonight. I still have a few hours to lie in his arms and pretend that this could be real. A short while to think that he could love me back, even half as much as I love him-_

A sound comes from the bedroom. A rustle of sheets and what sounds like a contented sigh…

Chakotay? _I thought he was a deep sleeper._ She hopes he is still asleep. If he is she can lie next to him like she has always wanted to. But if he's awake-

She shuts her eyes. _He'll be in a deeper sleep in a moment. If stay here for a few more minutes I'll be able to creep back without waking him up. And then I'll be able to go back… snuggle up… and pretend that I don't have to be the captain again in the morning…_

"Oh, Chakotay…" _if only there was a way that I could tell you how I felt, if only I could throw caution and protocol and… whatever else into the wind and just tell you how much I love you…_

_Buit I can't…_

_And it breaks my heart…_


	6. Chapter 6

For disclaimers and Author's Notes, please see Chapter 1.

* * *

_"Oh, Chakotay…" _

_If only there was a way that I could tell you how I felt,  
if only I could throw caution and protocol and… whatever else into the wind  
and just tell you how much I love you…_

_Buit I can't…_

_And it breaks my heart…_

* * *

His name... that's all it takes. All she has to do is whisper his name from the other side of the door and he's awake again.

_Kathryn._

He wants to get up, walk to her, make sure she's all right. Assure himself that she's not in the same position he found her in only hours before, crying on the floor, huddled in the corner, whispering his name over and over and over again, clinging to it desperately like a lifeline.

He knows Kathryn. He knows that right now, if she's awake and aware of what's happened between them tonight, that there will at least be some part of her that is determined to put it behind them, to move on as if nothing ever happened, to deny the occurrences of the entire evening and behave tomorrow on the bridge as they have been doing for years. To ignore the feelings between them as she has now been doing ever since New Earth.

But Chakotay knows that he can no longer do that._ Either way I need to know where I stand- I need to know where she stands. If she simply wants to remain friends then I can learn to live with that. If she wants something more than friendship I would gladly offer her that. But if she wants to ignore tonight then I need to know why. Why she's doing what she is._

_You can't hide like this forever, Kathryn. You can't isolate yourself like this, hoping that denial is the way forwards. You can't do this to yourself. I won't let you._

Another sound emanates from the bathroom, a sound that he has heard far too many times tonight from her, and one that he wishes he could make sure she never made again. Because it is a sound that cuts through his sternum like a steel blade, eating its way into his chest and wrapping itself around his heart, clutching it tightly.

A small sob.

Chakotay stands up immediately, throwing the covers off and walking towards the bathroom.

He hesitates momentarily before entering the sensor field for the door, stoppng just short of where his movement would be detected. Chakotay is unsure of whether going in like this is the best solution. If she is crying because of the emotional overload, then she will surely need someone by her side to help her through it. But if she's crying for another reason, then bargin in might not be the best option right now.

But Chakotay shoves any doubts he has aside as he hears another sob come from the bathroom, stepping forwards and triggering the automatic opening of the bathroom door.

Kathryn is standing there, shoulders shaking, head down. She doesn't move as the door slides quietly open, or when he quietly says her name.

Chakotay reaches out to place a hand on her shoulder, needing to assess whether it is physical touch she will respond to in the same way she did earlier. She jumps, stiffening.

"Kathryn." this time she does hear him, and turns around. Her eyes look up for a moment, but what she sees etched onto his face scares her more than any other event of the night. The kindness and sympathy that he's willing to give her, without second thought, without question. _But I don't deserve this. Not for what I'm about to do._

"Chakotay..." she starts, dropping her gaze down again. As much as she wishes she had the strength to look him in the eye, she's terrified of what she might see in his face. She has to stay strong on this. _I can't let my resolve weaken, not matter how tempting that might be._

"I'm sorry, but I think you should leave."

She pushes past him, walking back into the living area. She ignores the rumpled bedsheets as she passes them, trying desperately to ignore the closeness they shared tonight, the intimacy of their situation._ It should never have happened. I should have pushed him away the moment I heard him on the other side of the door, maintained the decision I made all those years ago, the decision I made for the crew. For us._

She hears him follow her, calling her name, trying to get her to slow down, to turn around, to stop.

She can picture him, naked to his hips, face tinged with a mixture of disappointment and confusion, reaching out to her-

_But I can't reach back. I have to stay strong on this. I can't let this go any further. It was a moment of weakness._

_A singly, solitary moment of weakness._

_I need to get him to leave, I need to get him to-_

She stops in her tracks at the sight of the mug on the floor by the wall. She can smell the tea, the tang of citrus in the air, mixed with regret.

_I need... I need... him... I need... Chakotay..._

_But I can't let myself need him. This stops, Kathryn. Right now._

_Either way, this has to end. Tonight._

* * *

He watches her as she walks through the bedroom and into the living room space of her quarters.

"Kathryn?"Chakotay turns to follow her, seeing her stop suddenly. He knows that, right now, she's still undecided. She doesn't know what she wants.

"Kathryn." He reaches a hand out to her, needing to reassure her as much as he knows she needs reassuring.

He knows exactly what he wants, though. He wants her. He wants her to love him as he loves her. He wants her to love him openly, without reservation. But he knows that this has to happen on her terms. He has waited for her for too long to push her, but he needs to know where she stands on this.

_I need to know what she wants. I need to know how she feels._

_Either way, this has to end. Tonight..._


End file.
